If I could go back in time, to before we had tiny human, there would be a few things that I would choose to pass on. You see I was all too eager for a baby. Regardless of the fact that I had NO baby experience what so ever. Yes I had played with a 6 month old, but nappies, lack of sleep and slippery little nudies where not things that warranted concern back then.

We have learnt so much in such a short time. I think all mums and dads have to learn fast, or it begins to swallow them. I am all for learning, but if I could go back in time with just a handful of advice for pre baby me, I know that the ‘deer in headlights’ look might not be so obvious.

1. Multi tasking is a daily staple. You will be required to wash the dishes, feed the baby, answer your phone and prepare dinner all while putting a load of washing on. What they dont tell you is why you need to multi task. The more you get done while the baby is awake, the less you need to do when they sleep. If your clever you might get to read a book, watch a movie, have a cup of tea or even grab a cheeky nap.

2. Your boobs will no doubt look like melting pudding. You knew that they would change, but the reality is just a little bit more depressing. Having to roll your boobs up from your knees to put them in your bra is a real possibility now. Lucky you!

3. One arm will become stronger than the other. Weakling arms will develop a favorite side for heffa babies.

4. Single mums, mums with FIFO partners, mums multiples, and mums of more than one babe are all freaking goddesses. Met them, adore them, and get them to mentor you. You know nothing, they know everything. End.of.story.

5. Get a god damn hobby already. Do not wait until after the baby is born to find something you like to do in your spare time. There is only so much crafting you can do before you turn into a complete loon. Please avoid turning into a crazy hoarder lady who saves everything for future projects. Its not healthy and no body cares if you have perfected potato stamping (note: this has not happened yet, its worrying none the less).

6. Teething is a bitch. Everything you think it is, triple that, throw in a crazy zombie attack and aliens blowing up the world. Yeah that’s about how crappy it is. There is only so much you can do to help too. Your will hurt for her.

7. Who needs grocery shopping anyway? Its not like its a necessity!

8. Baby poop can empty a room. Babies are stink nuggets!

9. Cake is the devil after you pop out the squid, stay away from it. It will come of no good!!! You will become addicted and then -BOOM- cake weight!

10. There is no such thing as ‘good’ clothes when the baby comes. They are all gooby rags and slob wipers. On a good day they also store a fair bit of excess biscuit, milk or leftover food.

11. You will, no matter how much you think you wont, end up talking about baby poop every single time you socialize. Its not on purpose, and you will feel shame almost immediately, but the topic of poop becomes the norm.

12. Daytime TV regardless of how crappy it really is, how much you have pulled the piss in the past, it will become well known to you. Try not to admit that out loud. People who watch ‘Days of Our Lives’ don’t have friends.

13. Worry becomes an accessory. You will wear everyday. Wear it with pride, its coated in love.

14. Babies don’t follow plans. So try not to be so OCD about being on time, or making all social events. Be prepared for the guilt of canceling at the last minute. People do understand, you don’t have to apologise for the next month,

15. You will miss your job. Knowing your missing out on a life that you have lived and breathed for the last four years will hurt. But one look into the face you created will ease that pain.

16. Looking at an adorable baby and thinking ‘I made you’ does not automatically make you look good. Try to look in the mirror before you leave the house. You are a much older, hairier, uglier version of the gorgeous babe your pushing around. Make up wont fix it, but it can help!

17. Your hair and skin will hate you. They will switch from oily to dry on a whim. Deal with it.

18. Baby clothes are an addiction. You will need to join a support group for ‘Mothers who buy adorable outfits for thier kids because they will look super cute and its not that expensive really, I’m sure this sheep costume will come in handy, oooooohhhhh thats pretty….”

19. There is such thing as spitfire, sprinkler, pellet, and explosion poops. They will impress and disgust, simultaneously.

20. You will hurt when you have to leave her for the first time. You will ache and sook and cry. You will be upset if she is fine and doesn’t miss you. But you will secretly feel relief if no one can ease her restlessness if she begins to miss you.

Alas, I can not go back in time, I really wouldn’t want to either. Learning about this bubba is the best educational course I’ve ever had. I haven’t even had time to draw pictures in the margins or colour in the diagrams.

Much love peeps xxx

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