Should you ever require a butt operation, I highly recommend my hospital. With the luxury of private health cover (due to the stupid taxation department and the insistence of parents), I have spent quite a bit of time here at St John of God Subi. I had Indi here almost 8 months ago, a five day stay post emergency c-section, with not an ounce of pain, gorgeous nurses, yummy food and a queen size, yes queen size bed. 7 weeks later I had an over night stay due to a breast abscess (my child was a messy eater from the get go), once again it was pretty dang comfy, they even brought in a cot for Indi, who stayed with me because I was still breast feeding*. This time its a three day stay, the loveliest nurses, DELICIOUS food and a room all my my lonesome. The place is pretty sweet.

I must admit that I have been slightly disappointed with the play by play of my latest stay. My expectations were a tad grand. In my head an operation on my cheeks (technically its just one) involved a bucket load of pain and me being limited in my range of movement due to my butt being in the air (think- scrubs style comedy sketch with patient in randomly placed casts, strung from a series of pully systems- my brain is a comedy show gold mind). It was all a bit lack luster in reality.

I woke from my drugged up nap, only to have a little spew (always classy) and discover that I was laying on my back. The only thing hooked up to me was an IV, which was removed after the first night. As a bonus, I had full range of movement and could do as I pleased with in the room **. They kept offering me pain relief, of which I found I didn’t need. Not really the horrible, painful, humiliating hospital stay I had planned.

Oh and I’ve learnt a few things being here too. They have a butt ward. Yes a butt ward. I’m on the butt ward. When I discovered this today I was pretty chuffed. I’m hanging with my homies over here. I didn’t have to stress that the nurses were all gossiping about me behind my back “no you go and change the dressing on the crazy ladies butt, I want to hold the newborn”. Yes, I worry about people trash talking my bottom. I’m only human. And to my great delight I am some what a novelty on my ward. By far the youngest, with a not so hard core bottom issue. One day I will get that put on a badge.

This evening I asked my lovely nurse ‘Kerri’ how it is one comes to be on a butt ward. I know if it was me I couldn’t imagine being in a room and jumping up and down saying ‘pick me, pick me’ when asked who wants to deal with the poo end of a human. Kerri explained that the nurses on the bottom and vagina ward (yeah I said it, I’m a health teacher, I can totally say vagina) –insert gasp VAGINA AS WELL– are some of the most skilled nurses due to the level of the complications, pain, specifics, delicateness and embarrassment of their clients. Translated, that means I have some of the best nurses tending to my hiney.

The stay isn’t horrible, most of the time I’m left to chill by myself because I am the least demanding patient. I like that. I actually napped today. I read a book today. I may have eaten a small block of chocolate today. If I could get a pedicure, it could almost be classified at a holiday.

So this is a shout out St John of God Subiaco. As much as I have ‘loved’ hanging out, it would be real nice if we didn’t see each other until I pump out some more tiny humans.

Much love peeps xxx

Side notes:* Yes I am a freaking mamma machine. Child first. My only motto. **Tempting as it is, I resisted the urge to do yoga with an open arse wound.
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